Vilket betyg hade ni gett denna skräcknovell?
A young man named Charlie was traveling on a cold December night. The evening was approaching, and he was looking for a place to spend the night. He walked and walked, mile after mile but found nothing, just when he had intended to give up his search he saw a small cottage, the cottage looked homely with the snow on the roof and with all the Christmas lights.
He knocked on the door and behind the door, an old lady stood who warmly welcomed him in. There was a guest book in the cottage, the lady asked Charlie to sign the guest book and give out the necessary details, Charlie asked suspiciously what it was for and then the lady replied that it was only because of her bad memory and that she wanted to remember everyone who visited her. Charlie did not object and did as desired.
The lady offered food and drink, Billy sat down at the table, and starving as he was, he began to rebel in the food. He could not get enough of the tasty food, he asked where she had picked all the delicious herbs, she said nothing but let the silence speak and suddenly Charlie felt anxious, he began to feel unwell and felt how the stomach contracted. He thanked the lady for the food and went to wash his hands.
Charlie washed his hands; he found no towel, so a new towel was taken out of the towel basket. He saw something under the towel, but this was not something he could imagine, he could not believe his eyes. It was a newspaper, it said "Lifeless bodies found in the dark forest" it was about a family of four people whose bodies were found in the dark forest and the newspaper was only a couple of weeks old. The family is said to have been poisoned by an herb that is not known among the researchers, the herb was called Moses' burning bush. The family's last name was Smith and Charlie did not know why he got hooked on it, he thought it sounded recognizable.
Charlie finished washing his hands and he went to ask the lady if the lady had other visitors in the last month, the lady says none but him. He pondered and pondered but that was when the first piece of the puzzle fell into place, He realized that he recognized Smith from the guestbook. He looked around to see that the lady did not see him, he opened the book and there, in front of his eyes, he saw four names where the surname ended in Smith. He was scared, he was with a killer.
He took his things and ran to the door immediately but felt that the door was locked. He heard footsteps, he turned his head and there the old lady stands.
- You're not going anywhere, are you? she asked.
- I know what you did to the Smith family, you're a killer! he screamed.
Charlie was surprised. The lady said nothing but laughed evilly.
- You know too much, she said and hit him with a baseball bat in the head.
Charlie woke up in a dark basement and felt that his head was aching. He managed to free himself from the rope that was tied around his hands and pulled on the string to light the lamp. He saw a sheet that covered something, he pulled away the sheet and found lots of jars that contained some herb, the herb resembled the herb he ate. He read the label on the jar “Moses' burning bush”, it was the herb the family had been poisoned by and he had eaten from it, large quantities as well. He was looking for a way out because the door was locked and there were no windows. He hit the wall which was made of wooden planks and one of the planks fell.
He tried to escape quietly and carefully; in the thick snow, he accidentally kicked an iron can and made eye contact with the lady through the window. He ran out on a path, he ran all he could, he quickly looked back to see if the lady was chasing him, she was right behind him but then, then something happened that absolutely must not happen, he slipped. He felt the cold snow on his face, he turned around and there the old lady stood over him. With the knife in her hand, she said:
- Time to visit the family.
8/10 ett B eller A typ jag tycker den är bra men går bara i 7an så är inte super bra på engelska
Hade jag varit lärare hade det varit ett ungefärligt B, kanske på gränsen A. Anledningen till att jag inte hade direkt gett ett A är för att du upprepar ganska mycket av t.ex. bestämda former: "T(He saw a small cottage) HE cottage looked homely with THE snow on THE roof and with all THE Christmas lights". Hade föredragit "It looked homely because of the snowy rooftop and the Christmas decorations".
Du skriver även att Charlie är ute på en december natt och sedan att kvällen är påväg? Kanske bättre att skriva "was traveling on a cold December evening. He was looking for a place he could spend the night in".
Andra stycket hade jag också ändrat. Skulle skrivit mer typ "As Charlie took of his winter cloak, the old lady brought a guest book to him, she wanted Charlie to sign it and give her necessary details (vad är dessa nödvändiga detaljer? Försök vara mer tydlig, necessary details such as his name and where he's from).
Tredje stycket har du glömt göra food and drink till plural, foods and drinks. Annars om du vill ha i singular låter det bättre med "The lady offered him a meal and perhaps a drink". Sedan fortsätter du berätta att han sätter sig på ett bord, men vart är bordet? Allt går så snabbt, hade låtit bättre att säga att han går in i dining room och även innan det att han tackar ja till damens erbjudande om mat.
Det är väldigt bra skrivet och jag tycker om berättelse idén, men det finns många små fel där engelskan är skriven på svensk grammatik vilket blir fel!
Jag är ju inte en engelska lärare så man kanske inte ska förlita sig på mig helt, har dock alltid haft betyg A utan att plugga och växt upp med att prata engelska.
Skulle du skrivit mer utförligt skulle du va på A nivå. Men din text flyter på och har mycket bra resonemang